30-Day Blog Challenge (Day 9)

This post is one I've had written since I began. It may or may not be the reason I started this in the first place.


I have a lot of fears. Heights, tornadoes, losing the people I love, ending up alone- pretty standard stuff. But quite honestly right now, my biggest fear is something that I can't explain very well. It's bigger than itself, and it boils down to what I said in my very first post about 11:11 wishes-
"Give me strength to make the right decision, not the decision I want."
All in all it boils down to...Ch.


Ch. happens to be the boy that I'm planning on dating in the very near future. He's sweet, strong, stable, loving, and unless something goes terribly wrong he could end up being long-term. Also he's pretty goddamned gorgeous. What else can a girl want, right?
How about excitement, the butterflies, the...I don't even know! This is my problem!
By all reason, he should be the one I want, but there's something subconscious that's terrifying me.


See, there's this minor issue where...okay.
Over the summer, I met this guy (a different guy), N. Also really gorgeous, also made me week in the knees (okay, so most of the weakness was in my hoo-hah) but to an extent...I could have dated him. Would have dated him. Did fall for him. he then proceeded to ignore me for three and a half months because he was only in state for the summer. He want back to Colorado.
It hurt me. It hurt me ridiculous bad.
but he's the one that pulled me out of that fog I was in after A. broke up with me. It was a really bad place, like...considering walking out into traffic bad place. He is the one that brought me back to being myself. And he gave me the butterflies, that feeling of being overwhelmed by the pure honesty of the relationship. It sure as fuck wasn't love (how could it be? We saw each other eight times all summer) but it was more.




And...well, that's my fear. N? He's talking to me again. He wants to see me again.
I'm scared that I will chose the wrong choice.
My friends all think that the "wrong choice" is N. He ignored me for three months, after all. It's likely that the fact that he's talking to me is a booty call and nothing more. it was an extremely douche move, and most of the time I wholeheartedly agree with them.
But...what if Ch. is the wrong choice? What if I stay with him forever, we get married, have kids, and I have a pleasant, stable, BORING AS SHIT life?


What if he's the wrong choice? My logic says N. is the wrong choice, but something in my heart or deeper is saying that I'm murdering my wild side, all the adventure in my life just by saying, yes. I'll be your girlfriend, Ch.
But I'm more scared of being alone.


Taloodles.
Manda.


This isn't true anymore. my biggest fear? My baggage getting in the way of this relationship. He is exactly what I need, but I don't know if I'm ready. I don't know if I'm ready to let him take care of me. If I'm ready to be happy. And that's what scares me.